Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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