As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
