life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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