Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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