like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
