My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
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