1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
