this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
