So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
