I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
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