I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
