my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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