he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
