My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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