I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I don't deserve a penis
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize