someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
