He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
