i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
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