My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
