I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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