i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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