I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
