Don't make out with my wife yet
if only i could text you this smell
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
