My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Randomize
