He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
