college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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