I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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