I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
