i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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