I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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