Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
