I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
