p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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