Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
