Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
