I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
