Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
