Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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