If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize