is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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