I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
