last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
