matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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