the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
