I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
