I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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