she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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