can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
