my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Randomize