I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
