If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I've blown a few things in my day
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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