I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
