The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
