i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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