He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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