dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
